The Pain Of Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day here in the United States will be this Sunday, May 14th. For many this is a day of celebration. For many others it is a day of grieving. One part of the grieving sect is for the mother who has lost a child. This is grief in deed. There is no name given to parents who have lost children as the grief is too deep, too intense. My heart aches for these.

The second group of Mother’s Day grievers is the ‘Orphaned Child’. This is the person whose mother has passed from this life to the next. Another deep grief, especially if you were young when your mother passed and/or you had a very close relationship with her.

In the last several days I have seen two blog posts published on Facebook regarding grief on Mother’s Day. The first focused on the mother who grieves for the loss of a child. The second was about the grief of the ‘Orphan Child’. I am not going to discuss either of these.

There are still two more types of grief suffered on and around Mother’s Day regardless of the country you live and celebrate in. I grieve because of both of these.

First, I know there are those who would try to classify this first grief as part of ‘Orphan Child’, it is not. On Father’s Day I feel this grief. However, I was born to a woman who really did not want me and never wanted anyone else to have me either. I was there, apparently, for her to use and abuse. I never had a real mother who would love me unconditionally. The mother person put conditions on her affections toward me. I did have my grandmother and aunt who were mother figures in my life and I credit them to raising me and providing me with good role models for what mothers should be. Because of them I desired to be a mother and to be the mother I never had. This is a part of what I grieve on Mother’s Day.

The second grief I have with regard to this holiday is much deeper and causes me the most pain. I grieve the children I will never have. Before I delve into my grief here, let me take a moment to also acknowledge the grief of women who have had multiple miscarriages. They could never carry a baby to term. I don’t put them into the aforementioned grief of losing a child. These are two different things. It is one thing to actually give birth to a child and later to have that child die. It is quite another to have a baby begin to grow inside of you and he/she never takes a breath. My heart aches for you, as well.

As I stated before, my greatest dream in life was to be a mother. This began as early as when I was nine years old. I wanted to field my own softball team. Yes, I wanted lots of children. I wanted to love them all and give them the mother I never had. As the years went on and I hadn’t ‘found Mr. Right’, the number of children I desired decreased. However, I still wanted at least once child. Then, in autumn 2004, I presented with an illness. Ten months later I would be diagnosed with Ménière’s disease.

I still held hope for one day having a child, until after June 2006. This is when I first presented with bilateral Ménière’s disease. With this comes drop attacks. It was later that year I had to make the conscious decision to never have children. I could not live with myself if I were pregnant, had a drop attack and inadvertently killed my unborn child. In the same manner, if I made it through the pregnancy, I could not live with myself if I were holding my baby or taking it to bathe or change and had a drop attack seriously injuring or killing my child. I began to grieve and still grieve the loss of a dream which consisted of children that could never be.

It brings me pain every year about this time and I cringe as advertisements pop up for the celebration. I rejoice for those women I know who are great mothers and bid them a wonderful day of celebration with their children. There are times I do find myself envious of their relationships, but silently, I grieve and nurse the deep bleeding gash that will forever remain in my heart. In February 2009, I penned the poem I have included here to relate the pain I feel. It still brings tears to my eyes just reading the title.

For all mothers around the globe, I celebrate you. Hug your children close and always let them know that you will forever love them unconditionally and will celebrate their birth with pleasure and delight.

I Wanted You

Looking deep
deep inside
searching for
your face
Once seen clearly
now just a
shadow of a
past that could have been

There is longing
a longing never to be filled
realizing you
will never be there
never will joy sing
with a kick or a turn
excitement is stifled
to never feel your growth

Arms meant to hold
breasts set to suckle
these lay dormant
dormant and still
desire, need, hunger
my being is empty
empty and hollow
never to be satisfied.

February 9, 2009

© DL Bach

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